"I've lost all the time that I have in this world
I spent it unwisely, unwisely you see
And I can't get it back and I can't move forward
I'm broken and I'm empty, it's over for me
If I could undo all the wrongs that I've caused
Fall to my knees, pray for swiftness and just
For I'm just a fool, a fool driven to dust
And the world ain't gonna change for me
If you were to open up my closet, you would be buried by the bones of all the skeletons I've been shoving in there over the past 10 years.
I am one sick, sad little girl and I've had quite enough. Call it a confession, call it a cry for help- but i've got to get it out "on paper" to accept responsibility for the damage I've done.
I'm trying to remember a time in my life when I was happy with the skin I was in. I'm trying to remember a time in my life when eating was somthing I did to survive, not something that consumed my every thought. I'm trying to remember a time when I hated gym class, and loved sleeping in- rather than getting up at the crack of dawn and practically banging down the door to the gym.
I was never "fat", and I am still not considered "fat" by the standards of many people. But to myself, I will never be skinny enough. Even when I was at my smallest (a size 2 when I was 25) I was still obsessing over the size of my ass. The sad thing is, I would do anything to be that small again.
There's really no eloquent way to put it. Sometimes I don't eat. Sometimes I eat and then work out for 2 hours trying to burn it off. Most of the time I throw up. My insides are dead in more ways than one. My metabolism is totally fucked, my brain is even a bit hazy.
I hate that I am this shallow. That I have allowed myself to internalize the images of society's perverted perfection. I tell myself everyday when I wake up- "Today will be different." It never is. I guess getting it all out in this medium is my way of holding myself accountable. Last night I hit rock bottom, I guess there's no where else to go but up.
I've put my life on hold because of this for far too long. It will be a struggle, but it's got to be better than the way I've been feeling as of late. Torn up emotionally, physically, internally, externally.
So. There it is. I've begun my spring cleaning. Who know's what else I'll find buried in the back of the closet. And if you're still reading this- don't worry... I'm really not that fragile. I'll bounce back.