Monkey Butt Musings

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Bombs Away!

Over the next few days, I'll be in the process of deleting this blog. I think I've lurked in this medium for far too long, and just don't have the heart to carry on with it anymore. Things are changing in my world (for better or worse) and I'm going to embrace those changes, and just go with it.
Those of you that want to keep in touch with me know how to do so...
Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

grown up things revisited

The home saga continues...
You think i'd learn my lesson, but here we go again.
casa #2
apparently it's a done deal, but we all know how that goes..
cross your fingers that this one goes through!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

"You bit off more than you could chew the first day you met me... "

~Please note that I do not intend to turn this "blog" into a recovery journal.~
If I haven't scared anyone away with last week's true confession, I thought I'd give a little update.
First- the house. After going back with the current owners, lawyers, environmentalists, etc. there is no deal. The issue is that there is an abandoned oil tank buried in the yard. And the house was on a lake. We wanted them to take it out. They wouldn't- so, no contract- no lake house... but everything happens for a reason, so something will work out.

Second- my mental health. Experts say it takes 28 days to modify behavior/overcome an addiction/detox if you will. I understand that these things are normally done under professional supervision, without any outside influences. But I'm happy to report that it has been 8 days now. I even made it through the weekend which is a major accomplishment for me. I've come clean to many people around me, and I have their support 100%. I started seeing a nutritionist a few weeks ago and she has been pointing me in the right direction. I'm determined to get through this without drugs or the aid of a shrink (tried them both before, and it only made the problem worse.) I know i am a strong person, and I am determined to get through this.
So that's all I'm going to say about that.

I also may be bringing an end to the old blog. I know i've threatened that before, but it's just getting old. We'll see though...

Monday, April 17, 2006

"I swear I once was pretty, not the monster you now see"

"I've lost all the time that I have in this world
I spent it unwisely, unwisely you see
And I can't get it back and I can't move forward
I'm broken and I'm empty, it's over for me
If I could undo all the wrongs that I've caused
Fall to my knees, pray for swiftness and just
For I'm just a fool, a fool driven to dust
And the world ain't gonna change for me
"
~dropkick murphys~


If you were to open up my closet, you would be buried by the bones of all the skeletons I've been shoving in there over the past 10 years.

I am one sick, sad little girl and I've had quite enough. Call it a confession, call it a cry for help- but i've got to get it out "on paper" to accept responsibility for the damage I've done.

I'm trying to remember a time in my life when I was happy with the skin I was in. I'm trying to remember a time in my life when eating was somthing I did to survive, not something that consumed my every thought. I'm trying to remember a time when I hated gym class, and loved sleeping in- rather than getting up at the crack of dawn and practically banging down the door to the gym.

I was never "fat", and I am still not considered "fat" by the standards of many people. But to myself, I will never be skinny enough. Even when I was at my smallest (a size 2 when I was 25) I was still obsessing over the size of my ass. The sad thing is, I would do anything to be that small again.

Anything.

There's really no eloquent way to put it. Sometimes I don't eat. Sometimes I eat and then work out for 2 hours trying to burn it off. Most of the time I throw up. My insides are dead in more ways than one. My metabolism is totally fucked, my brain is even a bit hazy.

I hate that I am this shallow. That I have allowed myself to internalize the images of society's perverted perfection. I tell myself everyday when I wake up- "Today will be different." It never is. I guess getting it all out in this medium is my way of holding myself accountable. Last night I hit rock bottom, I guess there's no where else to go but up.

I've put my life on hold because of this for far too long. It will be a struggle, but it's got to be better than the way I've been feeling as of late. Torn up emotionally, physically, internally, externally.

So. There it is. I've begun my spring cleaning. Who know's what else I'll find buried in the back of the closet. And if you're still reading this- don't worry... I'm really not that fragile. I'll bounce back.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The search continues...

That's what I get for counting the chickens before they've hatched, putting the cart before the horse and all that jazz.

My lawyer found a snag in the contract. A pretty big one at that. So, unless the current owners take care of the problem, it looks like I'm homeless again.

Bloody hell.

Monday, April 03, 2006

The "C" Word

Oh rot- what have I done?

The girl who has never been able to hold a relationship longer than a year and a half, the girl who has had more jobs than she cares to remember, the girl who changes her mind more frequently than the weather, the girl who swore she'd never be tied down- has just made one of the biggest commitments a person can make.

I bought a house.

commitment
1 a : an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution

New addiction

Seems I have been neglecting the old blog as of late. I have recently become addicted to the crack- like substance called "myspace". It's amazing how many countless hours I have spent on that damn site, when there are far better things to do.
In case you're curious, it's www.myspace.com/b0nanzajellybean.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Flavor of the week...

Listen up boys and girls--

New Favorite band:
www.street-dogs.com
Featuring the former lead singer of the Dropkick Murphys (who is significantly hotter than I imagined he'd be). they truly rock and did not dissapoint on Friday night.

Also on the bill was Far From Finished who put on a stellar show. It's good to know that in a land where pop punk is infecting the airwaves, there are still guys out there that know how to rock. Sure, I'm a sucker for the catchy poser punk tunes, but there is nothing like the old school sound and a good "Fuck You" to remind you what the genre is all about.